I Think I'm Stupid

I feel like I'm breaking down.

I tend to forget things in a short period of time. I don't even remember what I did on the job. I have notes on it or what I have done but I don't have a memory of it. When I try to remember things, i see a jumble of images that makes no sense to me. My mind is a whirlwind of confusion and loss. I have been called stupid a number of times and they are happening at a close distance from each other. Day by day, i feel the weight of my mistakes take a toll on me. I feel less confident of myself and the things I do. Whenever I try to accomplish something, I feel that the work I have in front of me is completely wrong. What the hell is wrong with me?

Sometimes, I feel like I did something but there is completely no record of it but there is in my memory. It seems as if some gods or nymphs are playing a trick on my mind. I am mostly unfocused and I tend to drift off. I don't want to but I just do. I feel so useless and ignorant in a world where most people run around in a rush while I'm taking my time walking, taking it step by step...I am being left behind. Then I wonder, maybe I'm sick or maybe I have a tumor in my head. This overreaction may seem inappropriate but maybe I'm just plain stupid.

That is thanks to my wonderful boss who makes me feel like such a loser and a dumbass everyday I go to work.

XOXO Yana

V Day Approaches

It's raining again. It was only a couple of days ago that I had a nose bleed cause of the warm weather and now, ironically, its raining hard. It kinda sucks because I love rain but it adds up to the loneliness. To my loneliness. It is almost Valentines day and all I have is my job and this crazy California weather. My days are stretched into hollow emptiness and meaningless hard work. I work hard and yet I don't feel that I gain anything. I lose part of myself in my work and my stress-levels have gone way above normal rate. It is almost not worth it. Or it is really not worth it. I strive towards a better me but somehow, it does not go hand in hand with a better love life. People say, "Be more open," or "Go out there." Yeah right. It's easier said than done. I am the most open person I know. I am myself most of the time, so why am I still single? Conceited as it may sound but I think I am a great girl to hang out with. I am good company and listener and the world is missing out on a great adventure. I talk too high of myself but it helps to ease out the failure of havign a real commitment.

Maybe it's because of my attitude. I easily change moods all the time. It's a yo-yo from this minute to the next. I can't stop it. It has total control over me. A wise gay man once said, "You're moods swings are in direct proportion to your stress-levels." That is so totally true. Maybe a guy should have lost their minds before getting in a relationship with me afterall.

So far...I hate Valentines Day.

The Male World: Men in my Life...or not in my life yet

(family not included)

KO: The Arrogant, Slutty Writer
To me, he stands as the reason behind my crazy, eccentric character and he usually puts sense into me. You see, i can be quite blonde sometimes and he keeps me, let's just say, a brunette which i really am. He is my platonic husband and we usually keep each other company while we are still single and looking hopelessly for love. He wants to be a writer someday and i think he will be...if he just puts his mind to it. Ko is a wonderful guy with great potential but he needs to find an unknown balance in his life. One sure thing about him is that he is an arrogant bastard but ironically, he is down to earth also. You love to hate him and you would hate to love him. But that he is, loveable. He and I share critical and sarcastic conversations about everything but we bring out the best in everything too. We share the same frustrations with family and love. I guess that's why we're drawn to each other. We're brought together to bring sarcasm and love to the world.

Oat: The Quiet, Thoughful and is in need of Tact Gay Friend
Oat is one of a kind. If he just had a vagina, he would be the perfect girl bestfriend. He and I share talks on guys, popstars and of the heart. He is truly a genuine person, in the sense that he would tell you exactly what he feels without restraint. Sometimes I think he lacks tact but I guess he has just kept his mouth shut too long to stop it now. He understands my "girl" drama and he and I fight about every little thing but we get over it in a flash. We just love to bitch out at each other for no particular reason but that's how we love each other. He gives me reason to be feminine and to embrace my femininity. I envy him for knowing what he wants and running after it whether it costs him his heart. I wish I was that brave. Oat is a very pure person and he is passionate about the things he want that he really treasures them and is not afraid of what otehr people think. If he had a motto it would be, "I am what I am, if you don't like it then...(slap, slap) Bitch." He is such a character that it's hard not to laugh when you're around him.

Angelo: The Hopeful Lost Cause
Well...what can i say that would not bring me any heartache when it comes to Angelo. Nothing! He is just the one guy that I would not be willing to give up. He is that guy you think you're so perfect and compatible with but you can never have. He broke my heart and he doesn't know it. He will think of me, until the end of his life, as a sister and that's that. I guess my feelings happened at the wrong time, wrong group of friends but at the right moment. Does that makes sense? I don't know if it will ever happen but i remain hopeful and in regret.

Gian: The Clueless (or not) Panda Man
I hang out at Starbucks whenever I have a chance to and that's a lot of times. At the same time, I love chubby guys; guys who has some junk on their trunk. So when those two things collide (Starbucks and chubby guys) you get Gian. The nice, adorable, Starbucks barista. I guess i was forced into stalker-hood by my friends. At first, i just liked looking at him but eventually information about him kept pouring in and I was a transformed into a Stalker. Thanks guys. But yeah, I think he's cute and cuddly and his head is just shiny.

Ruben: The Musician I just met a couple of hours ago
I was hanging out at Starbucks and this serenade played and he was playing it behind our seats by himself. So an epiphany happend and i just gathered the courage to talk to him and I did. He moved to sit at our table and he serenaded me for three minutes. I had to leave in a hurry because i needed to go to work. But yeah, it was a friendly flirtation and I wish I will see him again.

XOXO Yana

Thanksgiving, Thank You

On the Menu:

1. Ham with brandy and sugar drizzled on top

2. Meatloaf

3. Creamy Mashed Potatoes and Gravy

4. Spinach Salad

5. Corn Bread

6. Red Wine or Apple Cider

Yes, you read it right. We did not have turkey. Just thought that we would have cooked it dry and it would just be a waste. It turned out good. It was our official thanksgiving dinner and it was all perfectly imperfect. All was semi home made and spectacular.

XOXO Yana

Pop Culture Phenomenon: Twilight

My very first impression as I walked out of the cinema was that it was such a chick flick and I am definitely not complaining. Yes, the effects could have been more polished and the dialogue more fluid but it was very hard to not love it at the end of the day. The romance, to me, was innocent and pure for the most part with a few dirrrrty undertones. (see how I love torturing my single self by watching romantic movies?)

If guys, meaning manly men, are expecting to see action, you ain't getting much of it. There's also only a few cameos of "blood" which is ironic since this is a vampire movie. No Underworld here if that's what you're looking for. I would say that Twilight is a cross between a teen movie and a dark independent movie with a little spiderman thrown in.

Did I think it's good you may wonder? Yeah, I did not read the book prior to watching it so I may have a different opinion with other avid fans of this cult following.

What I did find very interesting and mysterious is the dynamics between the members of the Cullen family. I was deeply intrigued and mytstified and I wanted more but I just could not have it which leaves me wanting more, for the sequel, I mean (can i get any more redundant here?). Their intensity draws you and I wanted to know their history but sadly, it was untold. They were willing to do anything, not just for their family, but also their loved one's loved one. (?) They protected each other like a creature from the wild, very animalistic. (And I mean it in the best possible way) They are all also not bad to look at.

Of course I could not put an end to this and not talk about the love birds now could I? I did see the awkward and surprisingly sexy chemistry between Edward and Bella. It felt as real as any romance in movies can be. With another sequel, I think their romance might just explode. You see I love the maladroit beauty that Bella, or should I say Kristen, have. If you don't like those types of beauty then you would say that she looks plain but if you do, good for you, then you will say that she is achingly gorgeous. As for Edward, do I even need to defend his gorgeous-ism? He is fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnne. These two are well on their way to cult-following, vampire-loving, pop culture and top-whatever-number-list-of-newcomers/stars to look out for phenomenon.

Overall, the film lacks background and that high techy stuff they do in superhero movies but with a little patience, a better sequel perhaps, it is worth your while. I cannot wait fot the next one after this and rest assured that it will be better budgeted after the success of Twilight.

With this said I end it at this note, "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb. What a stupid lamb. What a sick, masochistic lion."

XOXO Yana

Rate it: B-

So I saw the movie "Flakes" starring Zooey Deschanel and Aaron Stanford. Set in the New Orleans, the movie is about a local cereal cafe where the townspeople normally hang out. This is until they have met a capitalist for competition across the road with the same name and concept. Miss Pussy Katz (Deschanel) took this advantage to squeeze out her boyfriend (Stanford) into actually making his own CD.

So here is what I think. I thought that the movie is a good kind of B movie. It was cute and adorable and it did not have any ridiculous or over the top nonesense. At first it seemed like a totally irrelevant movie but it actually showed a lot of issues concerning consumerism and capitalism underneath. Some scenes were dragging but I love Zooey Deschanel and she always pulls anything off. I am sounding a but biased but who can blame me? It is a quirky movie with likeable characters and yeah, it was kinda cheesy but it is very diffeent and fresh. At the end of the day, it still has that happy ending which is always nice to watch.

Overall, watch it if you're a fan of Zooey or if you are bored or a big indie fan.

XOXO Yana

My Only Politically-concerned Blog

I woke up this morning to a brand new era. Barack Obama is elected president. This is truly a morning to remember for the momentous "change" that people has been asking for is about to happen. Or has it already happened? But I do feel the change in the air and although I myself am not a big politics fan, I do feel a sense of unity as of listening to his heart-felt speech. It does seem like change is coming and his "yes we can" catch-phrase surrounds the white house. I hope it does happen. Not anytime soon but I hope it will.

Another thing that is plaguing the morning news is the issue concerning Proposition 8. It seems that people still oppose the same-sex marriage. Except in Virginia where as my mom would call it, the lesbian state. I do feel a little loss for those people who are already married and might be affected greatly by this defeat. Although I am not married, not even once, it still seems like a tragedy to not be considered married after getting married. It is a sad, sad thing but I do think that this is only the beginning of another war that will go on for years to come. I do feel that everything that has to do with human rights on this country pull through. It may not happen now or the next year but I do know this, the gay community will have their rights because this country is a land of hopes and dreams and justice.

XOXO Yana