Memorial Day. Another day of laziness and chilaxing. I don't really know what people do during this day but here's our version...

Woke up late. Then right off the bat we prepared some salad, chips and salsa, baked salmon, spicy sausages and steak. It was all good. Very fulfilling. There were sodas and some ready-made margaritas and mojitos thanks to my mom who did not care to read the fine print that it has alcohol. All the all, the day was sun-shiny and it was turning out to be an eventful day. Ko needed some help to take photos for his homework that led us to a chase around Orange County looking for hazardous signs. We went from gas station to gas station, then to Home Depot, where we also scouted some hot employees, and last was this parking of big trucks where a security guard "shoo'd" us away leaving us all paranoid.

We went home to what seemed like a belated happy birthday singing spree for me. My aunt brought a cake of chocolate and mangoes which is truly divine. We finished more than half of the cake and when we were all full, my brother showed us the fun of target practice with pellets. We had a series of misfires and bull's eye and the inevitable "Wanted" moves that we were all daringly capable of. So the boys, true to their nature, ventured off into Boy's Land and played video games while I was left to myself wondering what the hell am I supposed to do? I fell asleep and by 8pm we all just decided to go to Berrysweet. I invited Gian cause let's face it, what have I got to lose anyway?

It turned out to be an interesting night because Gian came. I haven't seen him in a long time and he looked adoringly the same. Everything was fine. It was just hard to keep on talking. The yogurt and the night was great...that is until I got home and my mom wanted to talk to me. She got angry because I told her I was going to Berrysweet and did not tell her about Gian. I did not even have the time to savour the "Gian" time when she just ruined it. I felt like a child and that my mom was implying how horrible a person I was and that I was a lying scheming bitch.

Thanks mom.

I am fucking 20 years old. She kept on saying that I don't understand why she's angry but I do. I was calm and just said "yes, I made a mistake." But noooo!!! I guess to her, that wasn't enough. She just had to go on making me feel so guilty. I made one fucking slip! It's not like I did drugs or something. I was even with my two gay friends. I know I forgot to mention it but can't she understand from my point of view??? Maybe i got a little excited and just thought that the destination to where I'm off to would suffice. I mean, she went through her 20s also right??? What adds on to the frustration is the fact that my siblings could have done worse than I did. My 13-year old brother kept his girlfriend from her for weeks! My sister likes sex! She just calmed down and tried not to get angry. Then there's me, who forgot to fucking say that I was meeting a guy I like which nothing even happened. It wasn't even 12 am yet!!! I mean, truly, what the fuck!!!!!!! I feel so suffocated and violated and insulted!!! She didn't even try to be civil. She didn't even try to listen to me. fuck!!! I cannot stand her right now.

XOXO Yana

one good deed at a time

Today is just like any other day. Even I am getting bored describing my days like that but it's the truth. Nothing significant or exciting is happening in my life lately. But that doesn't mean that I can't take pictures of my day to day. I'm OCD. Why did i mention that you ask? Well, I like posting pictures on my myspace, friendster and facebook profiles. But before I do so, I organize them by date and occasion so now I am in the process of editing them and then posting. It will take a while but it will be a lot in one showing.

Speaking of the title...I just felt good about myself because I work at a clinic and usually, when my doctor is not here, I am by myself. Then a while ago this old man came inside and i could not understand what he was saying at first. But when he composed himself and told me that he just needs a toothbrush and is willing to pay me some persian carpets, I just decided to give it to him. He looked like a harmless man, although, let's be honest, there is no "harmless" person anymore. So he commenced into some flattery saying "You're beautiful," although, I think that he meant on the inside. Teehee! My humble nature astounds me! So he left leaving behind a very satisfied lady. Me! The world should be filled with ARKs of God. Please say it with me...One ACT of RANDOM KINDESS at a time...Amen!

XOXO Yana

Setting Myself up for Diss_apointment

It's my birthday today. Whoopee!

I somehow feel obligated to write something here...anything...because it's the celebration of my 20th year being a sarcastic, foul-mouthed, highly obssessive natured bitch slash human being. whew!

Also I have a very "special" follower who I want to update from time to time.

So here it goes. I woke up feeling like it is just like any other day. Quiet...the sounds of the constuction machines behind my house renovating the park suddenly defeans me. It certainly is gonna be an insignificant day. So I washed my face...one of the many things i look forward to doing. Neutrogena's cream face wash is oh so soothing and really promises to transform my face into a smooth silky texture. Whoops! Don't forget the moisturizer now! So i go on and do my other morning routine...and then there's work.

Let's not talk about that right now.

My dad greeted me yesterday. So sweet, i love him. If I grow old single and alone, I know that he will be the first and last man in my life. I miss you!!! Then my mom greeted me too...then there was a series of facebook messages and phonecalls and text messages that took place which I deeply enjoyed and left me very warm and satisfied. Only there is this ringing in my ear. Ringing of the ever apparent and usual suspect in my head, the sound of disapointment. I was hoping for a greeting from a guy. Yes, a guy. Sounds pathetic? Not nearly as pathetic as the picture of me actually thinking that he will. Woah!

Questions questions...Did he forget? Will he text me for the remaining duration of the day? Does he even know that it is?

I guess i can say that I like him. Maybe this makes me dillusional into thinking that he will text me or that he actually cares. oh well...

The whole time that we were talking on the phone and texting or whatever, my friend, Oat, his voice has been ringing in ear the whole time. We both have been in similar situations and we both feel the same insecurities, doubts, confusions, etc. So he mentioned to me this....

"Yana, why do we always set ourselves up for disapointment?"

How can one little statement like that affect my whole way of thinking about things, I wonder. Since the day he said that, I have been asking the same question over and over a day but coming up with no answer. Maybe we all are fools of love...Or maybe just the IDEA of love. I need a cupid badly!

XOXO Yana

Moving on

It is about that time where my family and I are moving to a new house. I just feel that in the last 20 years of my life, i havent really stayed put. Although all the homes we lived in, I thought, were my home. I guess my family has this itch that we can't really stay put in a place for so long a time. Think of us as gypsies in the deep blue waters of the world. We move from one destination to the next yet we find peace and tranquility and leaving our memories painted on the old one. That's my family. We leave our mark everywhere. We are hard to forget.

I am excited to move into this new house cause its cozier and more serene. I love unpacking and organizinbg stuff. Im OCD you know...It's just my thing to try and fix everything I see wrong around me. Ironically, I can'r fix the things inside me. But that's just another blog...

Right now my main problem is to find an affordable bunk bed. I was gonna get one but it didn't work out. It's not meant to be...sighs...Anyway, I can't wait to go home and get my hands on those unpacked boxes. I feel so refreshed and a whole new person. Yeah, a new house and new surroundings does that to me.

I Think I'm Stupid

I feel like I'm breaking down.

I tend to forget things in a short period of time. I don't even remember what I did on the job. I have notes on it or what I have done but I don't have a memory of it. When I try to remember things, i see a jumble of images that makes no sense to me. My mind is a whirlwind of confusion and loss. I have been called stupid a number of times and they are happening at a close distance from each other. Day by day, i feel the weight of my mistakes take a toll on me. I feel less confident of myself and the things I do. Whenever I try to accomplish something, I feel that the work I have in front of me is completely wrong. What the hell is wrong with me?

Sometimes, I feel like I did something but there is completely no record of it but there is in my memory. It seems as if some gods or nymphs are playing a trick on my mind. I am mostly unfocused and I tend to drift off. I don't want to but I just do. I feel so useless and ignorant in a world where most people run around in a rush while I'm taking my time walking, taking it step by step...I am being left behind. Then I wonder, maybe I'm sick or maybe I have a tumor in my head. This overreaction may seem inappropriate but maybe I'm just plain stupid.

That is thanks to my wonderful boss who makes me feel like such a loser and a dumbass everyday I go to work.

XOXO Yana

V Day Approaches

It's raining again. It was only a couple of days ago that I had a nose bleed cause of the warm weather and now, ironically, its raining hard. It kinda sucks because I love rain but it adds up to the loneliness. To my loneliness. It is almost Valentines day and all I have is my job and this crazy California weather. My days are stretched into hollow emptiness and meaningless hard work. I work hard and yet I don't feel that I gain anything. I lose part of myself in my work and my stress-levels have gone way above normal rate. It is almost not worth it. Or it is really not worth it. I strive towards a better me but somehow, it does not go hand in hand with a better love life. People say, "Be more open," or "Go out there." Yeah right. It's easier said than done. I am the most open person I know. I am myself most of the time, so why am I still single? Conceited as it may sound but I think I am a great girl to hang out with. I am good company and listener and the world is missing out on a great adventure. I talk too high of myself but it helps to ease out the failure of havign a real commitment.

Maybe it's because of my attitude. I easily change moods all the time. It's a yo-yo from this minute to the next. I can't stop it. It has total control over me. A wise gay man once said, "You're moods swings are in direct proportion to your stress-levels." That is so totally true. Maybe a guy should have lost their minds before getting in a relationship with me afterall.

So far...I hate Valentines Day.

The Male World: Men in my Life...or not in my life yet

(family not included)

KO: The Arrogant, Slutty Writer
To me, he stands as the reason behind my crazy, eccentric character and he usually puts sense into me. You see, i can be quite blonde sometimes and he keeps me, let's just say, a brunette which i really am. He is my platonic husband and we usually keep each other company while we are still single and looking hopelessly for love. He wants to be a writer someday and i think he will be...if he just puts his mind to it. Ko is a wonderful guy with great potential but he needs to find an unknown balance in his life. One sure thing about him is that he is an arrogant bastard but ironically, he is down to earth also. You love to hate him and you would hate to love him. But that he is, loveable. He and I share critical and sarcastic conversations about everything but we bring out the best in everything too. We share the same frustrations with family and love. I guess that's why we're drawn to each other. We're brought together to bring sarcasm and love to the world.

Oat: The Quiet, Thoughful and is in need of Tact Gay Friend
Oat is one of a kind. If he just had a vagina, he would be the perfect girl bestfriend. He and I share talks on guys, popstars and of the heart. He is truly a genuine person, in the sense that he would tell you exactly what he feels without restraint. Sometimes I think he lacks tact but I guess he has just kept his mouth shut too long to stop it now. He understands my "girl" drama and he and I fight about every little thing but we get over it in a flash. We just love to bitch out at each other for no particular reason but that's how we love each other. He gives me reason to be feminine and to embrace my femininity. I envy him for knowing what he wants and running after it whether it costs him his heart. I wish I was that brave. Oat is a very pure person and he is passionate about the things he want that he really treasures them and is not afraid of what otehr people think. If he had a motto it would be, "I am what I am, if you don't like it then...(slap, slap) Bitch." He is such a character that it's hard not to laugh when you're around him.

Angelo: The Hopeful Lost Cause
Well...what can i say that would not bring me any heartache when it comes to Angelo. Nothing! He is just the one guy that I would not be willing to give up. He is that guy you think you're so perfect and compatible with but you can never have. He broke my heart and he doesn't know it. He will think of me, until the end of his life, as a sister and that's that. I guess my feelings happened at the wrong time, wrong group of friends but at the right moment. Does that makes sense? I don't know if it will ever happen but i remain hopeful and in regret.

Gian: The Clueless (or not) Panda Man
I hang out at Starbucks whenever I have a chance to and that's a lot of times. At the same time, I love chubby guys; guys who has some junk on their trunk. So when those two things collide (Starbucks and chubby guys) you get Gian. The nice, adorable, Starbucks barista. I guess i was forced into stalker-hood by my friends. At first, i just liked looking at him but eventually information about him kept pouring in and I was a transformed into a Stalker. Thanks guys. But yeah, I think he's cute and cuddly and his head is just shiny.

Ruben: The Musician I just met a couple of hours ago
I was hanging out at Starbucks and this serenade played and he was playing it behind our seats by himself. So an epiphany happend and i just gathered the courage to talk to him and I did. He moved to sit at our table and he serenaded me for three minutes. I had to leave in a hurry because i needed to go to work. But yeah, it was a friendly flirtation and I wish I will see him again.

XOXO Yana