Anger Overload: It's ALways my Fault

Am I such a terrible person? Yes, I can be very mean and think negative thoughts about people and criticize everything about them every chance I get but do not truly deserve a day of normalcy and peace? I needed it so much... a day of peace especially yesterday but when I think I almost have it, it slips out of my reach and I lose it.

You see, graduation is on the next day. I did not even want to go to it. 3 weeks ago I almost brushed it off but with the insistence of a friend of mine, Sara, I changed my mind. I mean, what the heck? I am gonna be alive for a long time and a chance to graduate and be recognized for that type of achievement only happens once in a big fat blue moon. So why not?

In the beginning I am only doing this because I wanted to see my old friends. The people around me were even more excited that I was. I just did not see what's so exciting about it. Then the hype happened. I started looking for a dress, contracting my 5 special guests, asking my sister to get rid of the undesirable, bought a curling iron, gave all details to my mom, etc. Eventually the inevitable happened. I realized that I did want to do this. I will probably never admit it to anyone out loud but I do want to go through with this.

So I guess Fate got something outta the fridge and glanced at the pot-it stuck in front of it. (NOTE: Blog "Outta my, outta my... you're talking way too much explains this.)

It felt like a time-bomb that's been ticking a long time suddenly exploded. Everything was just going wrong and all was chaotic. Nothing seemed right and everybody was just pissing me off but I can't be mad. Finally I just wanted to explode!

My mom was reprimanding my brother and it hurt me. More so today because he was there for me when I just wanted someone to listen and I feel that he was battling a giant and I can't really do anything about it. He was helpless against my mom's formidable force. It seemed like my brother acted the way every kid would. He just needed a break. On the other hand, he was rude to my mom. He hurt my mom's feelings pretty bad. Now I'm not saying he did or did not deserve what happened. The truth is, I don't think neither one of them should have acted the way they did. What hurt me the most is when my brother said, "She (Jace) out there laughing and is not minding me at all." I hated not being there for him especially after he's been there for me. Now I don't mind being the big sister but when I'm not around, Jace should do the job. She is after all the eldest. I help her, why can't she help me? Her excuse is always her husband. Well, I don't fucking care about her husband. He is a big boy and can take care of himself. Why don't you stop playing fucking scrabble! You are the eldest sister so act like one! What bothers me the most is that my brother respects her. He does not treat me like he does her. Do you see the problem here?

I am craving for sleep, my back is killing me and I do not feel pretty. Don't I deserve a little help here? I feel so bitter and miserable that I find it hard to sympathize to others when they complain to me especially my sister. I blew up on her a while ago. She asks me what's wrong but does not do anything about it. So no! I am not sorry for the things I said to her. I am not sorry for raising my voice at her. She even had the nerve to tell me that I am being dramatic! What the fuck! You don't even know. I hope tomorrow when i get back all of this bullshit's over. Sleep should do everybody good but not me.

Now I kinda get why people commit suicide.

I m dreading going home this morning. I feel like I have to apologize for something I said. Something that was needed to be addressed so I still stand by my word. I am not sorry. I've kept y mouth shut so many times and let others not listen to me only to find out that they should've. But it's funny how things always turn around and before I know it, it's my fault.

XOXO Yana

Outta my, Outta my...You're Talking Way Too Much

Sometimes... No I'm lying... Most of the time... Here I go again, lying... Fine, all of the time, I think that my family cannot function in order without me. Lately i have been very stressed but I don't want to tell them because they might worry and tell me this whole godamn lecture on how to work better or they will tell me to get another job or just lecture. As if they know what I am going through. Everyday I wake up and whenever I do have something special going on, something just has to mess it up. I think that fate has a post-it somewhere on it's fridge saying, "Oh, Diana is happy, time to mess things up." I just cannot take it anymore. I mean, one small problem is fine but when it happens to sprout up every minute then that is where I get really frustrated. I do feel like just killing myself. Not in the sense that I want to jump of the building or hang myself or overdose on something but I just want to feel it. Can someone die of trying to keep everything inside? I heard that if you are keeping everything inside, your cells get confused and they produce toxins that might end up cancerous.

Honestly, I have never been suicidal. Yes, I do think of death, my death, like any other normal person in this modern time but it never dawned on me that I want to actually do it. I think that life is very beautiful. Underneath it, it has pleasant surprises and dark mysteries that a human soul can discover and conquer and one should not try to run away from it. I think people who commit suicide are cowards. Rest in Peace. I am starting to sound like an awful person here but they are not the only ones who has a big problem. NewsFlash: EVERYBODY HAS PROBLEMS. The only difference with the people who commit suicide and the people who decide to stay alive is how they deal with their problems. Fate gives you bullshit and you have to give it a no-bullshit-today attitude back. I strongly believe what my mom told me about life and fate.

"Fate (or God to most Christians) does not give a person something he cannot deal with."

You can always deal with a problem you have. You just have to have fate and not give up. It does sound like a cliche (I know Oat) but I think that's why they are called cliches. People often forget about them and their meaning that it has to be repeated so many times until you get it. But in most cases, they don't learn their lesson. Too bad. For the record, I am not saying that I easily deal with my own problems but the fact is that, I don't give up. I may stress easily but I stress on my own. I think that's better. I haev trouble telling people what is really going on with me becaue the few times I do tell them, it ends up... Well, let's just say they don't get me. No matter how hard I explain, they just don't get me. I have to be on my own. So i have kinda gotten used to that by now. I don't really say what is really going on with me.

I think I just got played by my thoughts. I came here to rant and discuss my frustrations about my neurotic and unconventional family, that I love to death no matter what, but i just ended writing this. Call it whatever you want. Let my just say this:

"I am very tired and I need a day's worth of sleep. So yes, I am cranky and when people ask me stupid questions which they already know the answer to, that bothers me... A WHOLE DAMN LOT! Sometimes one only needs common sense to deal with it. Today, I seriously felt like I am surrounded by... I won't say it... Anyway, I just did not have enough man power to deal with it. I just came back from work for crying out loud! I only got 4 hours of sleep and in about 4 hours I have to go back to work again. So can we not?

I am craving for someone out there to get me. Someone who just listens and agrees with me. I know it sounds like I am asking too much but sometimes, I just need someone on my side because i feel like I am the only one standing on that other side of the wall. I need someone to encourage me, to tell me, "Yana, you have the right to be angry and cry out loud." Which is what I did infront of my brother while driving. He just listened to me, that poor kid. He got what I'm saying too. He is truly getting matured and I am glad we had that bonding moment. I need to find an empty space away from all this bullshit and scream to my lung's content.

I need to find my own peace of mind.

XOXO Yana

Love for a Person Who Hurt Me.

They don't give you a "Free-Out-of-Jail" card when it comes to your family.
They don't give you instructions on how to make it right.
They also don't warn you when you're running out of time.

I am just so frustrated with mine. I love them to death but they just make it so hard for me to love them. Unconditional love? That's what they call it right? My mom makes it sound like love has so many conditions. I think that she always blames me for things that happen even if it's my sister's fault. She hands me over my older sister's responsibilities. I think I am emotionally and mentally unstable right now. I can't keep up with her, I can't please her all the time as hard as I try. She does not see the things I do just to please her and everyone around me. It's hard. I slip once, a little tiny slip, and boom! "You are ungrateful," "Who do you think you are?", "I gave life to you,"...and the list goes on. If she can't see that I am the only one here who actually thinks about everybody and how everyone would feel and that I try to make our living conditions bearable for everybody then...what am I to do? What am I still doing here?

I just love her so much that it hurts me when she does not know how much pain she causes me.
It hurts me that I am always the one to blame.
It hurts me when I cannot scream at her all the feelings I have.
It hurts me when she thinks I am hiding something.
It hurts me when after all that I've done, she comes to my 13 year-old brother who does not respect her when she is angry at me.
It hurts me to have to work hard at gaining her respect.

She hurt me...She doesn't even know it.

God I love her.

Anger Management

The only time that my sister is in the house is the time when she wants to go ballistic towards the entire family. We barge her with questions that only requires simple answers because they are required especially in the way she lives her life. Does she really need to have a scowl or just plain rude? Sometimes I just want to slap her. Tell her to leave. ARGH! This kind of attitude is the last thing my mom needs. Of course, as if it doesn't get any more annoying, she asks favors or money or whatever to the both of us. She's lucky we always help her out. That's what families do but she better treat us with more respect. How ungrateful! I am so sick of her attitude and her drama. Fuck that!

whew...now i need to watch my blood pressure.

XOXO yana