Outta my, Outta my...You're Talking Way Too Much

Sometimes... No I'm lying... Most of the time... Here I go again, lying... Fine, all of the time, I think that my family cannot function in order without me. Lately i have been very stressed but I don't want to tell them because they might worry and tell me this whole godamn lecture on how to work better or they will tell me to get another job or just lecture. As if they know what I am going through. Everyday I wake up and whenever I do have something special going on, something just has to mess it up. I think that fate has a post-it somewhere on it's fridge saying, "Oh, Diana is happy, time to mess things up." I just cannot take it anymore. I mean, one small problem is fine but when it happens to sprout up every minute then that is where I get really frustrated. I do feel like just killing myself. Not in the sense that I want to jump of the building or hang myself or overdose on something but I just want to feel it. Can someone die of trying to keep everything inside? I heard that if you are keeping everything inside, your cells get confused and they produce toxins that might end up cancerous.

Honestly, I have never been suicidal. Yes, I do think of death, my death, like any other normal person in this modern time but it never dawned on me that I want to actually do it. I think that life is very beautiful. Underneath it, it has pleasant surprises and dark mysteries that a human soul can discover and conquer and one should not try to run away from it. I think people who commit suicide are cowards. Rest in Peace. I am starting to sound like an awful person here but they are not the only ones who has a big problem. NewsFlash: EVERYBODY HAS PROBLEMS. The only difference with the people who commit suicide and the people who decide to stay alive is how they deal with their problems. Fate gives you bullshit and you have to give it a no-bullshit-today attitude back. I strongly believe what my mom told me about life and fate.

"Fate (or God to most Christians) does not give a person something he cannot deal with."

You can always deal with a problem you have. You just have to have fate and not give up. It does sound like a cliche (I know Oat) but I think that's why they are called cliches. People often forget about them and their meaning that it has to be repeated so many times until you get it. But in most cases, they don't learn their lesson. Too bad. For the record, I am not saying that I easily deal with my own problems but the fact is that, I don't give up. I may stress easily but I stress on my own. I think that's better. I haev trouble telling people what is really going on with me becaue the few times I do tell them, it ends up... Well, let's just say they don't get me. No matter how hard I explain, they just don't get me. I have to be on my own. So i have kinda gotten used to that by now. I don't really say what is really going on with me.

I think I just got played by my thoughts. I came here to rant and discuss my frustrations about my neurotic and unconventional family, that I love to death no matter what, but i just ended writing this. Call it whatever you want. Let my just say this:

"I am very tired and I need a day's worth of sleep. So yes, I am cranky and when people ask me stupid questions which they already know the answer to, that bothers me... A WHOLE DAMN LOT! Sometimes one only needs common sense to deal with it. Today, I seriously felt like I am surrounded by... I won't say it... Anyway, I just did not have enough man power to deal with it. I just came back from work for crying out loud! I only got 4 hours of sleep and in about 4 hours I have to go back to work again. So can we not?

I am craving for someone out there to get me. Someone who just listens and agrees with me. I know it sounds like I am asking too much but sometimes, I just need someone on my side because i feel like I am the only one standing on that other side of the wall. I need someone to encourage me, to tell me, "Yana, you have the right to be angry and cry out loud." Which is what I did infront of my brother while driving. He just listened to me, that poor kid. He got what I'm saying too. He is truly getting matured and I am glad we had that bonding moment. I need to find an empty space away from all this bullshit and scream to my lung's content.

I need to find my own peace of mind.

XOXO Yana