You see, graduation is on the next day. I did not even want to go to it. 3 weeks ago I almost brushed it off but with the insistence of a friend of mine, Sara, I changed my mind. I mean, what the heck? I am gonna be alive for a long time and a chance to graduate and be recognized for that type of achievement only happens once in a big fat blue moon. So why not?
In the beginning I am only doing this because I wanted to see my old friends. The people around me were even more excited that I was. I just did not see what's so exciting about it. Then the hype happened. I started looking for a dress, contracting my 5 special guests, asking my sister to get rid of the undesirable, bought a curling iron, gave all details to my mom, etc. Eventually the inevitable happened. I realized that I did want to do this. I will probably never admit it to anyone out loud but I do want to go through with this.
So I guess Fate got something outta the fridge and glanced at the pot-it stuck in front of it. (NOTE: Blog "Outta my, outta my... you're talking way too much explains this.)
It felt like a time-bomb that's been ticking a long time suddenly exploded. Everything was just going wrong and all was chaotic. Nothing seemed right and everybody was just pissing me off but I can't be mad. Finally I just wanted to explode!
My mom was reprimanding my brother and it hurt me. More so today because he was there for me when I just wanted someone to listen and I feel that he was battling a giant and I can't really do anything about it. He was helpless against my mom's formidable force. It seemed like my brother acted the way every kid would. He just needed a break. On the other hand, he was rude to my mom. He hurt my mom's feelings pretty bad. Now I'm not saying he did or did not deserve what happened. The truth is, I don't think neither one of them should have acted the way they did. What hurt me the most is when my brother said, "She (Jace) out there laughing and is not minding me at all." I hated not being there for him especially after he's been there for me. Now I don't mind being the big sister but when I'm not around, Jace should do the job. She is after all the eldest. I help her, why can't she help me? Her excuse is always her husband. Well, I don't fucking care about her husband. He is a big boy and can take care of himself. Why don't you stop playing fucking scrabble! You are the eldest sister so act like one! What bothers me the most is that my brother respects her. He does not treat me like he does her. Do you see the problem here?
I am craving for sleep, my back is killing me and I do not feel pretty. Don't I deserve a little help here? I feel so bitter and miserable that I find it hard to sympathize to others when they complain to me especially my sister. I blew up on her a while ago. She asks me what's wrong but does not do anything about it. So no! I am not sorry for the things I said to her. I am not sorry for raising my voice at her. She even had the nerve to tell me that I am being dramatic! What the fuck! You don't even know. I hope tomorrow when i get back all of this bullshit's over. Sleep should do everybody good but not me.
Now I kinda get why people commit suicide.
I m dreading going home this morning. I feel like I have to apologize for something I said. Something that was needed to be addressed so I still stand by my word. I am not sorry. I've kept y mouth shut so many times and let others not listen to me only to find out that they should've. But it's funny how things always turn around and before I know it, it's my fault.
XOXO Yana
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